the 4th child

I guess I'll start a bit on the 4th child. And it's a 4 year story, with bumps in the road for her (a lot of them) but it's always best to just start at the beginning.

One day, my youngest who has special needs, came home from middle school talking about her new friend. She's never really had any 'friends'. Oh, most of them are nice to her face at school, but it ends when the school day ends, that's for sure. One time she was invited, as was the entire class (I think 1st or 2nd grade) to her first non disabled peers' birthday party. I dropped her off at the house, she was totally excited. When I went back to pick her up 2 hours later, the mom kinda looked really embarrassed and sorta shoved her out to me. Turns out the kids there told her they were going to play hide and seek and locked her in a closet for an hour. And yet my child, with all that she does not see (as in she never sees the bad in anyone, ever) said she made new friends and wanted to go back over there at some point (she never was invited again, and that child never really spoke to her again).

So the friend thing, you can't make kids be friends. That's the bottom line here. Yes you can enforce kindness in school, but it ends there. So when she started with her new friend, I said why don't you ask her for her phone number. She told me she had and the child had said no. So once again, we have a child being nice to her in school that wants no part of her out of school, that's fine, she has someone to eat lunch with.

A couple of weeks go by and I'm at her school for some unknown reason (well I could go into THAT but that's another lousy teacher attitude story, not many of those, but when you get one, you get one) and I'm waiting for said teacher to finish up class and this young lady comes up to her and says that she could not do her homework because there is no computer in the group home where she lives, teacher says, that's okay (child's name). Sure enough it's my child's new friend. She lives in a group home. So I go about finding out that story, and with all the confidentiality in the world, that's not an easy thing. So I have my child send a note home with our number on it. It was a place for very troubled young girls. She was only placed there because there was no other placement available.

She came here from Africa on the 4th of July, by mid July she was in State custody for abuse. She had never met her dad until she came here. Her mom and dad were never married. She was born in a small village, her mom abandoned her to her sister when dad had left (he never knew about her until she was 7). Dad married another woman from RI who brought him here. She went back to her mom, dad found out about her and had her sent to live with his sister in the city. Very well off, boarding school, house by the beach, private driver. No male head of household, her uncle lived in Italy and sold cars and was rarely home.

Dad and step mom sent for her, in the meantime, had gotten divorced (but not really, she's never sent in the papers and he doesn't know that, and he HATES her). I think he only married her to get here (knowing what I know now I can say this and tell this story a lot differently than when it originally happened). So she landed here and went to live with step mom. Now as she tells it (she wouldn't talk about a lot of this until recently, so it was very difficult to get the story, I only had bits and pieces for a long time) she was scared and slept on the floor of her step mom's room. It was hot, it was summer here, I guess dad came over and she was just getting out of the shower, so he accused her of sexual abuse, and took the child home. Now he's a young dad, didn't know her at all before she came here, she's a very immature teenager who has been privileged (he has NO money, barely works, no idea how she got here, but papers state step mom sponsored her) and 2 days of living with him, he stomped on her neck because she wouldn't do what he wanted and that landed her in State custody.

Because there were allegation of sexual abuse (and this was a messy nasty divorce case) she ended up in a 'special' agency that ran some group homes that provided intense services for troubled girls. She was not troubled, but there was no other place for her.

So she started calling her to talk to my child. And I started trying to find out how to 'spring' her for a visit. You have to be cleared by this agency as well as the State. There are NO issues in this household (my older kids were still here at the time) so that was no problem. But the State is notorious for their treatment and bureaucracy in child welfare. Now this all started end of September. I called everyone, filled out all kinds of paper work, got BCIs for everyone in house, you name it. At first, we aimed for Columbus day (early October) then it was Thanksgiving, nope. Finally the principal called them and said 'I'd let her raise my own kids' and the bishop (who was at my church one week) offered to call. But she finally came over for the first time at Christmas. I don't think she said anything. She ran upstairs and hid when my oldest came by with her (then scary) boyfriend. But after that, she got 'passes' to get out all the time and literally lived here. The first time I picked her up, the manager of the group home told me she didn't belong there, and also showed me a photo of her step mom and said if I saw this woman, I was to get the child away and call the police because there was a kidnapping threat (since have found out step mom is bat-shit crazy).


On New Years' Day, I took her to watch them go swimming in the ocean and it was the coldest it had ever been, well below zero, she had thought I was going to make her go in the water. I would take her to the market and she'd be fascinated by all the kinds of foods she didn't know. I tried to take her to fun stuff and keep her mind off the on going issues with the State and therapy sessions for sexual abuse (the did not happen from what she says). I also told her and the State if they were going to put her into foster care, she could come here, I'd do the classes, whatever it took, for her to live here.

By mid January, there were rumours she was being moved. I spoke several times with the house manager, who said she'd make sure they spoke to me before they moved her. One weekend, she was supposed to come stay here (she was usually here 2-3 nights per week and every weekend at this point) and she was told she was going to visit a foster family who lived at the other end of the state (45 minutes away) I called the State who asked who was I (even though they cleared me). After a week of nonsense, I finally talked to a supervisor who told me (this was now the DAY they were moving her) that I should stay home all day, did I have a bedroom for her (um, yeah, she LIVES here), etc. that someone would be out to talk to me and check the house and I'd have her that weekend. I sat home all day, nobody came. I called the supervisor back around 3 and he told me they'd decided to go with the social worker's (who was eventually fired for lying among other things, not just with this kiddo) recommendation and send her to the new home. Found out recently (because her case is in the process of being closed) that the social worker put in her file that she said she didn't want to live here (she says she never said that).

So she landed at this house and called me first. They took her out of a school that would have done anything for her (the school was just as upset as I was). I spoke to people I knew about this (I work with some people from the State agency, who did some poking around and got into trouble for asking, then wanted to know how I knew so much about her, gee she eats lunch with my daughter every day and she just about lives here. I've since learned it's never about the child it's all about the money. Yup, lotsa money here.

I spoke to foster mom, who seemed nice, said I could still take her on weekends, she didn't want to disrupt that. She 'bragged' about being a 'professional foster parent'. The overseeing agency (not the State, there is another agency that is involved when it's a so-called 'high end' kid) trains specially for them and she's supposedly a better placement than the run of the mill foster parents. In the meantime, I had spoken to my friend who runs the foster parent association for the state and found out because of this other agency, I'd have to go through THEIR training, not hers, if I wanted her to come live here.

I filled out their paperwork, a 35 page thing. Everything from your taxes to your friends, neighbours, etc.. And come to find out, they pay much better than the State (frankly I didn't care about the money, it wasn't about that ever). This agency pays $1800 per month!!!! I send in my paperwork and wait......and wait.....and nobody answers the phone over there.....oh we never got it....send it in again (thank goodness I kept copies) and wait....and wait.....nope never got it.....I have to send it in 3 times and finally I brought it IN PERSON. Then they tell me I have to be willing to take any child, not just this one (you know kids with big issues, like lighting fires, etc.) I say no, I have a kiddo with special needs at home, I can't take any child, they say sorry. (and come to find out, foster mom is best friends with the head of this agency, which is also why the State NEVER goes into her house, more on that in a sec).

I take her every weekend. Foster mom is acting like my best friend (and turns out stabbing me in the back all the time, totally throwing up all roadblocks with all agencies and telling me crap about child so that I will give up trying to foster her) and Foster dad, who turns out has severe dementia, is at odds with child all the time, also this household includes: another foster child the same age, her own daughter (also same age), who if I use the word 'troubled' would be an understatement here, her own son (younger) who is troubled to point of taking the heads off animals in the backyard, another daughter (older), a toddler grandchild who sleeps over every other weekend, an older brother, who has PTSD from the Vietnam War who sleeps over every month or so. And when I say this house is DIRTY, I'm talking food on the floor for months (we laughed about this last week; dried salsa on the front hall floor all 3 years she was there!!!)

After a month, the State calls me to say child is not bonding with new family and she's going to use our visits as a 'carrot' for good behaviour. I object to this but there's nothing I can do, see I'm a nobody in this whole situation. I'm just a 'visiting resource' as its called. She was butting heads with dad (who they didn't know at the time had severe dementia, we just thought he was an asshole). So it goes down to maybe 1x every month. Then foster mom asks that I send my child up there. I did. Once. The filth of the house, I have to say, there were times I'd drop foster child off (and keep in mind, that family only 1-2 times brought her here. 45 minute ride EACH way and I always had to go get her and bring her back) and I'd be almost in tears at how dirty that house was. The bathroom in the basement/lower level had so much mold on the walls you could barely see the tile. Pots and pans left on the stove for days. Crap everywhere. And she'd get on my kiddo for not having a counter sparkling clean. And she (foster mom) worked at a residential school for very very disturbed boys. Yup, and she'd say when I come home, I don't want to deal with behavioural stuff, she'd go into her room and shut the door (and kept it locked) and let her own kids run wild.  Plus the foster kids get stipends for clothing and other stuff a couple of times per year.  My kiddo says she would take them to salvation army and give them $20 to spend, the allowance is $100.

As it is, my kiddo snuck out to be with a boy who lives near me (who she met when she lived in the group home, and sleeping with, she was 16 and he was 20, and I have a HUGE problem with the ethics of this guy!), along with the other kids in the house but she got caught, she also went to a mall near them with other foster child and her friends, they handed her a bag to hold and then left the store, when she went looking for them, turns out they had $400 worth of merchandise in the bag and she got arrested for shoplifting. I'm sorry, I didn't get her for WHAT reason??? In all the years I've known her, she's always talked to me about everything. I have never caught her in a lie (and remember I have older child (once) from HELL, so I know all the tricks and stories).  She has never taken/stolen anything and never asked us or my child for anything, ever.  I don't see how you could hide behind a behaviour like that for 4 years and not let it slip.  She is very easily distracted by 'stuff'....step mom who supposedly is now dying of cancer, so broke her pastor is paying for her rent, wants to see her one more time, but also supposedly has a car and a trust fund for her, has called a couple of times, my gut instinct was NO, but then I said you can see her, at the mall, with me present.  She's not called again.  I think she's pissed at the dad for using her and is using my kiddo for revenge.  She originally was willing to go home with dad because he bought her a cellphone and a netbook computer, yet it threatens to take them away and break them at every turn that does not go his way.

It was horrible for my kiddo and for me to watch. I learned the State did not care about the kids at all. Social workers would come and go, not one EVER went into her house, EVER. She used to brag about it. They'd call, she'd say she was busy, she knew they were overworked. They wouldn't call again for months. If they had seen that house, they wouldn't let any child stay there. One time they were going to the beach for the week and didn't have room for her, so asked if I'd take her. I went to go pick her up a day after they'd left. Empty spaghetti pots on the stove, not a SPECK of food in any closet (she was eating ice cream because that's all they'd left in the house). The house looked like a bomb went off in it. And they were to be gone a full week and left it like that.

They leave her there for almost 3 years. Last year foster dad finally got diagnosed. He's been kicked out of 3 nursing homes. Her own dad had no contact with her for a couple of years, but I think he may have an immigration issue as all of a sudden, he wanted to see her. The State said they had to do counseling together and he needed to go to parenting classes. He did for a bit but got pissed. He doesn't like authority. He doesn't like women in authority. He really doesn't like white people. He'd get pissed at the classes telling him what to do and stop going. He had some supervised visits. Then a couple of hours here and there without supervision. Last fall, foster dad (who was between nursing homes) got arrested in Target for threatening to kill people. Supposed the overseeing agency knew about his condition, I don't think the State did though and they 'suddenly' reunited her with dad. He has no job, a 1 bedroom apartment, a girlfriend, and no parenting skills at all. She was turning 18 (March) and I think they decided it was just cheaper (think $1800 per month, plus whatever overhead that agency charges!!!) to send her home.

Talk about setting up for failure. He's with the girlfriend all the time (child sleeps on the couch). Girlfriend got job in Boston, so now he goes up there 2-3 nights per week and leaves child alone. And he's still abusive. She's told her social worker time and time again about his abuse, she calls up dad and says 'are you being abusive?' and dad says 'no'.......plus she told her counselor on numerous occasions, who in turn called the State and they did nothing.

So in March, right before she'd turned 18, there was an issue with dad and she took the bus to ex foster family to stay over, foster mom brought her back in the morning after dad called (he drinks too, the times I've had to meet him in a parking lot to 'exchange' her, he's always got a big box in the car full of liquor, and he chain smokes and she has asthma, her clothing reeks!) So after she'd turned 18, she wanted to come to my child's birthday party (she lives closer, but not by much, still with traffic maybe 20 minutes away) and I said I wasn't going to go get her because we had plans that entire weekend and I could not get her home, nor could I promise my child's staff person could get her anyplace (my staff person has known her throughout the years, and she's wonderful, but this is not her responsibility at all). She said she'd take the bus to the mall could we get here there.....my staff person went and got her and brought her to the house, now she hadn't been here since I got Ozzy, so about 6 months (but she calls all the time).

We did rock and bowl for the birthday (loud DJ, lights and bowling...oh and a bar for the rest of us). I guess her dad called and she didn't hear it ring because it was ear shattering loud. So he got mad hung up on her when she did try to call him back. She said she was going to take the bus back home and it stopped in front of where we are. My kids and a bunch of their friends (the older kids) walked her over and were gone for almost an hour. The bus never came, she was afraid to call her dad so I said she could stay for the night, we'd get her downtown so she could get a bus either home or over to the ex foster family's house (and now that she's 18 and there's no $$ attached to her, foster family could care less about what happens to her. She went there for the rest of the weekend, but I could see the writing on the wall.

A couple of days later she texted me and said she wanted to leave and her social worker (she'd not been discharged from the State yet because they did not show up for court in February, she's supposed to be closed this afternoon when we go to court) told her she'd have to go to a homeless shelter if she left. I told her to get her stuff and I'd come and get her. Dad was due home at 3. This was after 2. I pulled up (pouring rain) and she threw as much as she could into my car. I mentioned her documents (she's here on a visa/greencard) she looked a bit but didn't have time to really look. Got her back here, made her call her social worker. The next day, we went to her old school (across the street from dad's) and she unenrolled herself because she IS 18 and can do that, they had copies of her documents. She re enrolled in the school here. Through my friend at foster parents, I found out that her case was not closed. I called the State who proceeded to yell at me for changing schools. I told them I was not about to drive her 1/2 an hour each way (traffic) across the street from dad and that she is 18 and can do this.  They (the State agency) told her new school no free lunches for her because she was no longer in an 'approved' placement (me).  I mean, really? Free lunch is not even their program, it's the USDA's program!

Her social worker keeps insisting she apologize to dad for lying about the abuse and go home. Now I've known her for going on 4 years, I don't see her as manipulative at all. I've also questioned her friendship with my child and the only thing I can come up with is my child never asks her the 'hard' questions. She just happy to have her here and to have a friend. She's always been nothing but kind to my child. Does her hair in the morning (now). Hangs out with her. Does her chores around the house. I've NEVER had an issue with her. I think (ex) foster family was bagging us and her so I wouldn't continue to go after her and they'd lose their $$$$. The State just can't be bothered, they never should have moved her, now she's been in 3 schools in 3 years, that's actually not legal here any more. And you see the ads all the time for foster families for teenagers and here we are, waving our hands, not in it for the $$ and totally ignored. It's not about the child.

She's settled in nicely. Got her room all set up. I told her she could stay for a year until she graduates. She goes to court today to talk to the judge (she's not happy about that at all) to have her case closed. She then gets into a transition program (that has had big budget cuts unfortunately) that will pay her $450 a month that she'll give to me for room and board and she can get food stamps. Of the $450 I'm going to put $200 per month away so that she'll have $2400 next year when she leaves, they will still pay her for a bit but they reduce the amount every month after she finishes school. They will also help her find a roommate and depending on circumstances, I actually would consider having my child move in with her, we'll see. So far there's been very little drama other than that ex boyfriend, who found out she was in town and wanted to see her, I said no and told her why and she agreed with me, and she met a kid in school who's also in State custody and in the transition program, turns out he's scary stalker creepy guy. I found out by asking around, then told her, and then she asked around when he was out of school and found out for herself, which just goes with the age she is.

She got her first job yesterday as a food runner at a local restaurant. I had said it needed to be on a bus route and it kinda is, but the busses really suck around here, it's like almost an hour for her to get maybe 5 miles away so I guess I'll be driving her as much as I can. She has goals, she wants to go to college. She had no clue on what stuff costs though, she seems to thing college is free, cars are cheap (I brought up insurance, taxes, and registration!), etc.

So we'll see how it goes, it's going on 6 weeks now and nothing major has happened. I tell her as long as she behaves herself and follows the rules, she can stay until she graduates, but if not, and I certainly don't want her to be homeless, she won't be able to live her any more.  There is no way I would put my own child at risk for anything, ever.  And I had her sitting with my oldest child (from hell) who told her yes, you will not live here any more, as she was asked to move out.....I've told her that no matter what, he's still her dad and at some point she needs to at least try to have a relationship with him. She was going to call him a couple of weeks ago and we rehearsed what to say (not to ask about her papers or her stuff and if he got abusive just say I have to go and hang up, just call and say hi) and then he called her and was okay (for him) on the phone. He then called a couple of weeks later to say he did have her papers and she'd need them for a job and wanted to see her but we hadn't gotten a date for that, she wanted to take the bus and I brought up what if he has your clothing (he claims he threw it all out, he also told the State to stop calling him and that he did not have her original documents) so at some point I'll take her over there and leave her for a couple of hours, but then she called him last night to tell him about the job and he just lectured her about how to act and didn't even mention her papers (we're hoping the copies will be good enough for the paperwork she has to fill out later this week).  He's always got to be in charge and he holds everything he can over her head.  I'm sure that my not being able to get her over there on HIS schedule is what he's holding her paperwork for.  If worse comes to worse, we can get the originals again, but it's time consuming.  She has said it took 'forever' to get her birth certificate from Africa.  She also has a passport and green card.  She does have a state ID, state insurance (because she's in custody and until she's 21 after), and a SS number.  I used to be one of the people that non citizens shouldn't get benefits, but once you see who is on the other end of this (and I'm not talking about people who sneak in, it's people who come here and work, or a child who came over legitimately), it makes you reconsider this view, a lot.

As with anything, this almost 4 years story is very much abbreviated. And I've never lost sight of the irony that she was sent to this country to have a better life.

And a quick update, we did go to court, the 'guardian' (works for the State) came over to talk to her (then us) and wasn't so keen on closing her case because she's only a jr. in HS. The social worker showed up almost an hour after she had told us to be there and they went into the courtroom (without me) but then they came out and got me.  The judge was VERY nice.  I could tell my kiddo was scared silly even though we'd rehearsed and talked about all this (yes your honour, etc) but we had never even considered they'd NOT close her case, never.......so the judge asked me to come forward and asked about her living with me, he assumed I was the foster family, I said no, I'm not, she's just my child's friend, and I've known her and she's been living with me on and off for 4 years (at which point the social worker gave me the evil eye).  He asked about money and I told him that was never our concern (SW glares at me again).  So the guardian went on about not closing her case, but SW mentioned the transition program needed the case to be closed for her to get into it.  So the judge asked the kiddo a few more questions about things like staying in school, going to college, gave her a few minute talk on education being the key to everything in life.  Then he agreed to close her case pending her entrance into the transition program (we had done that interview a few weeks ago, we had to go back there (20 minute ride, yeah I forgot about this part) and finish that after court.

So we're leaving court and SW is talking to her about her life, etc (I honestly have no use for this person) and then when we get into the lobby asks her is she's going to miss her ..... we really didn't answer that and left and when we got outside, I said, not missing that bitch and she busted out laughing...

After we did the rest of the paperwork at the foster parents place (for transition program) we came back home and did the 'no more State in her life' dance of joy....and then there was a phone message from SW asking us to call (gee this interrupted our dance!) because the closing of the case was dependent on her getting into the program and she wanted to make sure we'd gone.